@WheelTod

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

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@ilovepie84

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

@Swishergirl24

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

@TheToddWilliams

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

@iwearaonesie

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

@TellingTellers

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

@sofarrsogud

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening