Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism


GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right


The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?


ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember


WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?


*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice


If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.


An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.


I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.


THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening