[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Tony Hawk, age 6
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)