Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
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What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.