Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
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April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird