*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?
Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”