ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres