@fro_vo

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

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@ashmensch

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

@TheBoydP

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

@LetMeStart

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

@boobill

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

@FlyJ_

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

@PinkCamoTO

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

@Social_Mime

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

@TheToddWilliams

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”