@ashmensch *guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
@fro_vo ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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@ashmensch 
@TheBoydP Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
@imFindDory “Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
@LetMeStart Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
@boobill Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
@FlyJ_ Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
@PinkCamoTO I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
@Social_Mime When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
@TheToddWilliams ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
@skitzoette “What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”