Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
no cat here
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF