“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
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Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.