Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
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A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Only short people can save us
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud