Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Attacked by a mop.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato