Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
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In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.