Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

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When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*


If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.


me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right


Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….


[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”


I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again


Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.


‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.


There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.


I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.