@JesKeepSwimming

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

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@AimeeHelene1

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

@whimsik_l

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

@EllaZee5

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

@VerifiedDrunk

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

@QwertyJones3

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

@inigoomontoya

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

@joshgondelman

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@NonziBear

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

@Dawn_M_

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.