Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
This is my brand.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.