Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Taliband
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas