Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.