Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
You Might Also Like
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.