Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
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When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
The human personality is made of five key elements
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
that wasn’t the question
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators