Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous