Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
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I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
my mom making me talk to relatives
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Well, that didn’t work.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be