Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
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I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
meow
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”