Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
You know…for fall…
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway