ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
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My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Wikigenius
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it