LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
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The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
More like Kate Missington.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.