Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
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ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.