Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch