Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
me: I see
my name if I was in the mob
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door
He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.