Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up


Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.


Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.


Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.


Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho


Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.


Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.


Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.


ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?



When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener