@RealSamHarwood Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
@MoistPork Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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@RealSamHarwood 
@prufrockluvsong Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
@ItsAndyRyan Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
@SteveKoehler22 Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
@Playing_Dad Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
@IfIwassomething Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
@Darlainky Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
@HatfieldAnne Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
@daemonic3 ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
@cravin4 When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener