Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

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7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.


Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.


They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.


The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.


I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?


I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.


A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.


If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.