@MoistPork

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

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@momsense_ensues

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@sssh_squirrel

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

@pranavsapra

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

@ShMaCkEdWeNcH

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

@Nickadoo

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@joshandbeyond

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

@FSUSteve

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.