Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir