Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
You Might Also Like
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
They must have gotten it to go.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.