Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?