@dubstep4dads

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

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@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@generaldietz

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

@Alex_but_online

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

@QwertyJones3

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

@robdelaney

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@squirrel74wkgn

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

@astro_jaz

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.