YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus
Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole
Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
You know what really makes me smile?