Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney