Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
You Might Also Like
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I feel seen
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I like long walks away from everyone
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!