Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
this post was so formative to me
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
also my go-to takeaway order
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Always
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke