Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Time heals everything 🙂
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.