Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
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I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Sharon I have some bad news
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?