@SwissArmyWife00

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

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@the_hawlk

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@joeljeffrey

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

@Birdhumms

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

@veronaway2

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

@AndyAsAdjective

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

@PinkCamoTO

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

@LeahJM

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.