Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

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SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*


Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo


I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.


“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.


When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.


A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.



-have a good day

You two!
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
shit *TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!


I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.


When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”


Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.