I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.