@JefeJK47

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

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@Carbosly

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

@obviouseyes

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

@markydoodoo

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

@bwebster76

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

@OBiiieeee

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@MrFornicator

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.