Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
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I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
There’s never enough good news
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!