Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
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ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
waiting for halloween be like:
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.