– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”