Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
You Might Also Like
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Woke up against my better judgement again
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Pickled cat.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*