Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.