Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
watching gymnastics
