Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
(Electricians.)
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.