Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
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If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions