Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
This is my pinned tweet
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading