Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
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When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming