“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
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*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic