Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
You Might Also Like
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today