lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.