Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
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Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
A French press is when you hug naked
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.