*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.