Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
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During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?