Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
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Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
In case you needed to hear it:
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.