@JediGigi

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

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@LMemeit

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

@Petote

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@ArfMeasures

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

@The_can_maker

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

@nicknaney

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

@bingowings14

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.