@LMemeit Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
@JediGigi Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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@LMemeit 
@Petote My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
@mattZillaaaa I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
@meatlobes *im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
@clichedout WTF IS AN ACRONYM
@ArfMeasures ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
@david8hughes As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
@The_can_maker Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
@nicknaney Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
@bingowings14 I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.