I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor