Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.