Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
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FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”